Post by DuraKaN on Dec 1, 2004 20:53:13 GMT
Born into a family of Buddhist shoemakers in the Scottish Highlands half way up a mountain, I was given a rough upbringing, having to march 46 miles over 3 mountains in a blizzard to the nearest forest for firewood to keep the house warm, as my parents believe electricity is evil. I was kept out of school, largely because there weren't any within a 200-mile radius, and instead taught how to nail soles onto boots so that they would fall off within 6 months and ensure that we got business. Although we lived 200 miles from civilisation and only ever sold one pair of shoes, to me, when i accidentally put the nail through the sole and was forced to buy the shoe and walk around in it with the nail sticking in my foot to teach me the value of good customer service.
At the age of 9, I fled to England wearing nothing but a pair of hard leather clogs, which my father specialised in, and a towel to prevent frostbite in vital parts of the male anatomy. I was taken into a mental institution in Newcastle and then kicked out when I explained that I hadn't covered myself in hot wax; it was frostbite. Then the orphanage took me in for a short spell before I accidentally let slip that my father had made the clogs, and they kicked me out. For the next 4 years I earned my food by flogging fake tickets for Newcastle United, only to be jailed for life when I accidentally stepped on someone's poodle and was subsequently beaten up by a group of Animal Rights activists. I was jailed for murder, because one of them cut his wrist in the process of knocking my teeth out and bled to death.
During my time in prison, I acquired one E-grade GCSE in pipe bomb assembly, although the certificate got lost in the post. But I did pass it. Honest. When I was 16, I smuggled gunpowder in by buying it on eBay with a stolen credit card and then swallowing it so that I could transport it unprotected back to my cell. I stored my excrement in pipes and after several months was able to pipe bomb my way out of prison. The pipe bombs failed to explode - the proportion of gunpowder to faeces was too low - but the attempt provided enough evidence for me to be handed back to the mental institution, who let me go after I proved I was sane by describing how I had not had access to a radio and therefore the Spice Girls had been unable to warp my mind during childhood.
Unable to find employment, what with my appalling criminal record and questionable mental health, I hid aboard a shipment of laptops to Northern India, taking one for myself. Once in India, I stole a library card and withdrew a book on tapping power lines, which I returned 2 days late and had to pay a fine of 41 Rupees. I ran.
I held several jobs in the 'informal' sector, including shoe-shiner, immitation turban distributor and prostitute before I finally acquired enough money to buy enough extension cables to reach a fair distance into the Himalayas, where I retired to, powering my laptop by tapping electricity and secretly networking with some rich guy's computer to access broadband. Now, I spend my days foraging for food and wrestling mountain goats for the right to expel waste on the mountainside. I still have my leather clogs.
At the age of 9, I fled to England wearing nothing but a pair of hard leather clogs, which my father specialised in, and a towel to prevent frostbite in vital parts of the male anatomy. I was taken into a mental institution in Newcastle and then kicked out when I explained that I hadn't covered myself in hot wax; it was frostbite. Then the orphanage took me in for a short spell before I accidentally let slip that my father had made the clogs, and they kicked me out. For the next 4 years I earned my food by flogging fake tickets for Newcastle United, only to be jailed for life when I accidentally stepped on someone's poodle and was subsequently beaten up by a group of Animal Rights activists. I was jailed for murder, because one of them cut his wrist in the process of knocking my teeth out and bled to death.
During my time in prison, I acquired one E-grade GCSE in pipe bomb assembly, although the certificate got lost in the post. But I did pass it. Honest. When I was 16, I smuggled gunpowder in by buying it on eBay with a stolen credit card and then swallowing it so that I could transport it unprotected back to my cell. I stored my excrement in pipes and after several months was able to pipe bomb my way out of prison. The pipe bombs failed to explode - the proportion of gunpowder to faeces was too low - but the attempt provided enough evidence for me to be handed back to the mental institution, who let me go after I proved I was sane by describing how I had not had access to a radio and therefore the Spice Girls had been unable to warp my mind during childhood.
Unable to find employment, what with my appalling criminal record and questionable mental health, I hid aboard a shipment of laptops to Northern India, taking one for myself. Once in India, I stole a library card and withdrew a book on tapping power lines, which I returned 2 days late and had to pay a fine of 41 Rupees. I ran.
I held several jobs in the 'informal' sector, including shoe-shiner, immitation turban distributor and prostitute before I finally acquired enough money to buy enough extension cables to reach a fair distance into the Himalayas, where I retired to, powering my laptop by tapping electricity and secretly networking with some rich guy's computer to access broadband. Now, I spend my days foraging for food and wrestling mountain goats for the right to expel waste on the mountainside. I still have my leather clogs.